How to Divorce With Kids: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents

A divorce can be a highly stressful situation for the entire family. When children are involved, they often feel that their whole world has been turned upside down.

As a parent going through a divorce, balancing emotional upheaval with legal responsibilities can be overwhelming. Your patience, reassurance, and support are needed as your children learn to cope with unfamiliar circumstances.

In this article, we will discuss a step-by-step guide that offers practical advice to parents on how to help their children through the divorce process. 

1. Prioritize Your Child’s Emotional Health

When telling your children about the divorce, the emotional impact it is going to have on them should be your primary concern. It’s normal for children to feel confused, scared, or even responsible for their parent’s divorce.

Most children have an amazing ability to heal when given the love and support they need. As a parent, it is important to reassure them that it is not their fault and maintain open lines of communication throughout the process.

While you are likely coping with your own stress and anxiety at this time, it is important to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, placing blame, or taking out your feelings on the child.

Encourage your children to share their feelings with you and take the time to really listen to them. Some children may have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their changes in moods and behavior and gently encouraging them to talk.

2. Be Honest and Age-Appropriate

The way you approach discussing the end of your marriage will depend largely on your child’s age and developmental stage. Statistics show that the majority of divorces affect younger children since most divorces occur within the first 14 years of marriage.

Ages 3-5

Younger children may not fully grasp what divorce means but can sense tension and change. Use basic terms to explain the situation, focusing on the facts such as where they will live and who will take care of them.

Simple visual aids might be useful for younger children. For example, using pictures, stuffed animals, or dollhouses can be used to help the child understand that their parents aren’t going to be living together.

Example: “Mom and Dad are not going to live together anymore, but you will still spend time with both of us, and we love you very much.”

Ages 6-12

Children of this age will likely understand the concept of divorce better but may worry about how it will impact their daily lives. Your child may have specific questions and could feel a range of emotions from sadness to anger.

Example: “We have decided it is best for us to live in separate homes right now, but you will have quality time with both of us each week. We love you, and you can always talk to us about how you are feeling.”

Ages 13-18

Teenage children could react with a wide range of emotions, including anger, grief, or even relief, if they have been aware of conflict.

Try to be open and honest without oversharing or burdening your teens with too much information. Acknowledge their feelings and involve them in conversations about changes that will affect them.

Example: “As your parents, we understand this is a huge change, and you have every reason to feel upset. We will make sure to create a parenting schedule that works for you. We love you, and we’re here to talk about anything.”

3. Create a Parenting Plan

A parenting plan, sometimes called a child custody agreement, outlines how divorced parents will share the rights and responsibilities of raising their children. A detailed parenting plan is important to help a child feel stable and secure following a divorce.

Here are some key considerations when making a parenting plan:

• Think about your child’s best interests: The main purpose of your co-parenting plan should be to ensure your child is cared for in the best way possible. Take into consideration your children’s routines, how they interact with each parent, and the ability of each parent to provide them with the time, care, and attention they need.

• Communicate openly and respectfully: It is important to maintain open, respectful communication with your former spouse when making decisions about your child. Your custody agreement should outline how you will discuss important decisions regarding your child’s education, health, and other major life events.

• Create custody and visitation schedules: One of the most important elements of a co-parenting plan is the custody and visitation schedule. Consider your child’s age, schooling, extracurricular activities, and other commitments when determining how much time each kid will spend with each parent. Aim for consistency to provide your child a sense of stability but remain flexible as children’s needs and schedules change over time.

• Be specific: After creating a schedule for physical custody and visitation, be specific in how it will work. As an example, if one parent has weekend visits, do not just say “every other weekend” in your agreement. Rather, make sure the plan specifies “the second and fourth weekend of every month,” so the agreement is clear to everyone.

• Decide on special occasions: Decide in advance how special occasions will be handled. Some parents alternate holidays every other year, while others may choose to split the day between households. Planning ahead of time for these events can reduce potential conflict and offer clarity for both parents and the child.

• Outline financial responsibilities: Ensure that financial responsibilities such as child support are clearly outlined in your co-parent plan. Also, decide how extra expenses such as medical bills, school fees, and extracurricular costs will be handled by you and the other parent. Having this in writing goes a long way in preventing disputes about money down the road.

• Address decision-making responsibilities: Your parenting schedule should also address how major decisions, such as those about medical care and education, will be made. Some parents choose to make decisions jointly, where both parents must agree on important issues. Other parents decide to divide responsibilities based on their strengths and the specific needs of the child.

4. Keep Routines Consistent

Children thrive on stability and predictability, so it is important for both parents to maintain stable routines in both households following a divorce.

Here are some reasons why a consistent routine is vital for your child:

• It provides emotional security. A child often feels insecure about his or her future during a divorce. Consistent bedtimes, school schedules, dinner time, and extracurricular activities help kids feel safe. Routines provide a sense of structure in a turbulent time and can reduce anxiety.

• It reinforces coping mechanisms. Routines help children develop coping strategies for the anxiety, frustration, and other emotions they may be feeling. As an example, going to play baseball practice every Thursday after school gives them something to look forward to, offering a healthy distraction from the changes in the family.

• It eases stress and anxiety. Without a sense of security, your child may feel a sense of fear for the future. He or she will not know what to expect in the day-to-day routine and may start to change in behavior. Stress manifests in a variety of ways in kids, such as social anxiety, poor impulse control, the inability to problem solve, and panic attacks.

5. Hire a Family Law Attorney

A family law lawyer can guide you through the process of divorcing with children. Your lawyer will help ensure that your child’s best interests are prioritized and that your legal rights are protected.

Consider some ways a family law lawyer can help you navigate divorce proceedings when you have children:

• Develop a child-focused parenting schedule: Attorneys can help you create a parenting schedule that focuses on your child’s emotional health and overall well-being. They will take into consideration factors like school schedules and after-school hobbies that ensure the plan is balanced and workable for you and the other parent.

• Navigate child custody agreements: Child custody is often the most contentious aspect of a divorce. Your lawyer will advocate for a fair agreement, whether it is joint custody, primary custody, or a visitation agreement. A lawyer can also help you modify custody agreements, if necessary, as your kids grow and their needs change.

• Offer emotional and legal support: The ending of a marriage is a stressful time in a person’s life. You may feel unsure of how to manage your and your children’s emotional needs along with the legal aspects of the divorce proceedings. Family law lawyers can offer divorce advice while also providing practical tips for managing the process with children.

• Represent you in court: If you and the other parent cannot come to an agreement on key issues, your case may need to be presented before a judge in court. In this situation, the court decides child support and custody arrangements that are best for your family. Your attorney will prepare all necessary documents, speak to the judge on your behalf, and represent you at trial.

6. Seek Support for Your Child

Early intervention is key to helping your child navigate the emotional impact of divorce. Professional counselors, therapists, or child psychologists can provide a child with coping strategies and a safe space to express their feelings.

If your child suffers from excessive fears, separation anxiety, panic attacks, irrational worries, or difficulty sleeping, you may want to consider seeking professional help for him or her.

Consider some benefits of professional therapy or counseling:

• Prevents emotional overload: An anxious child may not have the tools needed to intense fears and emotions. A professional counselor can help your child articulate his or her feelings and manage stress in a constructive way.

• Reduces behavioral issues: Children who struggle with the emotional strain of divorce may act out at home or school. Addressing their emotions early can prevent these issues from escalating.

• Improves communication: A counselor or therapist can help your children communicate their thoughts and concerns, build healthy relationships, and reduce misunderstandings.

• Builds healthy coping mechanisms: Therapists can equip kids with strategies to handle difficult emotions. This helps ensure they don’t carry unresolved issues from childhood into adulthood.

Contact Brown Family Law Today

Divorcing with kids is never easy, but following the steps in this article can help minimize the negative impact on your children. Whether it is navigating custody negotiations or developing a co-parenting strategy, prioritizing the needs of your child can make this difficult time less stressful for everyone involved.

Approach the divorce process with cooperation, communication, and a focus on your children’s well-being. If possible, ensure that both parents play a supportive role as your family begins moving forward with their lives and adjusting to the new dynamic.

The attorneys at Brown Family Law can offer legal guidance and support as you navigate going through a divorce with children. Call us today at 801-685-9999 to schedule a consultation. 

Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash